Ten Ways to Kill Pein for Fun and Profit
by IceCrome
Summary: Pein dies in ten different styles. Ten VERY different styles. [NOT A ONESHOT, HOLY CRAP!] [Some PeinBlue]
1. NOSEBLEED'D!

**Ice: AOHOLYSHITIT'SACHAPTERSTORY! **

**A plot-less one, but a chapter story! **

**Oh yeah. REMEMBER, IF YOU READ THIS, LOOK AT MY FUCKING PROFILE. Or I'll PMS on you. Yes, **_**I**_** can apparently control that…not you. Me.**

**I love Pein. Even though he IS Goth for having those multiple piercings, I still love him. **

**Oh yes, and unlike PClaw, I WILL ACTUALLY UPDATE REGULARLY. **

**HA. I just**_** burned**_** you. LolLmaoRoflCopter. **

**Alright, so, here's the story.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or anything else. If I did, then, Sasuke would've died in the Deidara-Sasuke Battle.**

**Pairing: My OTP, PeinBlue, and really, really, really, really, really, really, really small Implied Sex. I mean, you have to squint.**

**------------------------------**

It was a regular day in the Akatsuki.

And by 'regular' I mean I'm going to fuck something up just because I want to.

The torches were flaming their usual eerie glow, people didn't bother giving each other a nod or sign of the other person's existence. And Zetsu was eating a dog. Yes, I'm recycling jokes. Go figure.

And I said RECYCLYING, not THROWING AWAY AND LETTING CUTE DOLPHINS GET KILLED BY THOSE SODA-PLASTIC-THINGIES.

Okay, on to the plot. Or plot-less. Whatever.

"He-_hic-_Hey everybody!" Pein waved at everyone as he and Blue came through the door. His arm was draped across her shoulder as she drug him along. Everyone looked at him and Blue eccentrically. (Cookie points to anyone who knows what that word means.)

"Uh…what's going on?" Kisame was the first to ask. Blue struggled to keep him up, but finally just gave up and let him drop to the wooden floor.

"He forced me to go to Nagini's Bar, for supposed 'evil reasons.' He got hammered. I was forced to bring him back here," She gave him an icy glare. "He kept hitting on me. It got annoying after a while, so I just promised him…_something_ if he remembered this when he woke up." She smacked her forehead. "I tell ya, I should just burn down every bar in the eighty-mile radius."

---------------------------------

_Somewhere off-plotline. _

_----------------------------------_

Uchiha Itachi was sitting out in the Akatsuki courtyard, reading '_Catching Demon Animals for Fun and Profit for Dummies.' _Naruto had continuously avoided him and his evilly devious ways of catching the nine-tails. You'd think two S-class criminals would be able to catch a Fifteen-year-old brat. I mean seriously, he had the freakin' Sharingan!

"Okay, first, offer him candy…then lure him into a large white van…" Itachi continued reading his book. Somehow, he didn't seem to notice the large black cloud appear, with his little brother shrouded by it.

"You!" Itachi looked up, and squinted. His eyesight really sucked now.

"Uncle Elmer?" Sasuke twitched.

"_No, _It's the person who will cause your downfall." Itachi thought for a second. Who the hell could cause his downfall? He was a badass!

"Who's that?" Sasuke twitched again.

"It's Sasuke, you bastard!"

"Oooh! Has your hatred grown? Yeah, you should've heard the screams your parents had! 'No Itachi! How could you do this?! We're family!' Ah, good times…" Itachi laughed and slapped his knee in remincse-ment. Sasuke twitched in every muscle.

"Itachi, fucking die!" Sasuke cast some jutsu. All Itachi heard was "I'm gonna beat you because I have the power of the emo, blah, blah, blah, I hate the log." He was about to attack Itachi, but he simply but a hand on his little brother's forehead, keeping him away from him.

"B-but! I've trained so _hard_!" He whined as he struggled against Itachi.

"Sasuke. You're weak and less badass and Uke as me." Sasuke looked at him.

"What the hell?! I'm more Uke than you'll ever be!" And so, they continued to argue about who was more Uke, Itachi, or Sasuke.

I've got my vote on Itachi. Because HE DIDN'T KILL DEIDARA.

Yes, I'm still bitter. Very, very bitter.

----------------------------------

"At least _I_ don't have old-man marks on my face! That's not even mildly Uke!" Blue turned to the voice, and let out a sigh. Itachi was fighting with Sasuke again. She kicked the unconscious body of Pein.

"No…the _rabbits_…they're all _over_ me…" Blue was getting really, really, really, really pissed off. She dragged his body to the super secret awesome Akatsuki bathroom. She stuck his head in their bathtub, and turned the shower on.

"Whu-whuzza?! What's gong on? And, oh _god_ my freaking _head_…Samantha? Is that you?" Blue's lower lip twitched. Her name wasn't Samantha. She had no idea why he kept calling her that.

"No you douchebag, it's your partner and lov-I mean, just partner. Yes." Pein leaned back up against the porcelain tub. He hoped his eighty-nine piercings wouldn't rust up.

"Ugh…my head…" Blue twitched.

"I'm destroying that bar, and you're going to AA tomorrow." She walked out to the bar. I'll be honest and say I'm just filling up time by putting in random crap.

Let's ac_tually_ get to the plot now.

As Blue walked back from the now-in-ashes Nagini's Bar, she had to think of ways to get him back. That was the third time she had drag him back. This week.

"What to do…what to do…" She put a finger on her stud in thought. She couldn't kill him; that would be bad. She also couldn't quietly spread the rumor he was a woman, because she didn't like spreading rumors, despite how much pain they caused. Also, she couldn't destroy his Wii. She still wanted to keep that. Even though her mii looked absolutely retarded.

She snapped her fingers.

She finally had the idea.

-----------------------------

"Thanks Tobi." His swirly-faced subordinate handed him a cup of coffee.

"Why do you keep going there?" He thought.

As Pein thinks of a good excuse, let's check back to Itachi and Sasuke.

------------------------------

Itachi and Sasuke sat next to each other cross-legged, and Itachi had his guitar out. Sasuke swayed next to Itachi as he sang.

"We were at the beach. Everybody had matching towels. Somebody went under the dock, and there they saw a rock! But it wasn't a rock…it was a rock…lobster! Rock Lobster! Rock Lobster!"

I'm….going away now.

------------------------------

"I dunno, because I like a nice scotch once in a while." Tobi paused a moment before saying:

"You know she's going to destroy you now." Pein looked at him strangely.

"Who?"

"...Your partner."

"Why?"

"She was dragging you home."

"Sweet!"

"You were hitting on her."

"Oh…uhm…."

"And that was the third time this week she did it."

"Well…um…"

"And she's PMSing."

"Oh…_crap._" Pein cautiously walked away from Tobi. He walked outside to see a –most likely- high out of their minds Itachi and Sasuke, and not high Blue. He expected to be punched really hard in the face, but he got something much worse instead.

Or, should he say, better.

She walked out of the pool in slow-motion. The water glistened off her body. She sexily brushed the wet hair from her face. He looked up and down her body.

He blinked.

And blinked again.

And then flew back thirty feet from the world's biggest nosebleed.

Ka-_NOSEBLEED'D! _

She smirked in utter victory. Operation 'Get back at the douchebag' was a success. She went over to Pein.

"That's for making me drag you home, bastard." She noticed he was twitching.

"Uh…are you okay?" No response.

"Seriously, Pein, wake up." No response. She went down to check his pulse. No pulse.

"OH JESUS!" She started CPR. Even though Pein was dead and there wasn't a way to bring him back, Angel!Pein looked down on his body and smirked.

"Lol, she's kissing me." _South Park_-Like God looked at Pein in question.

"Why are _you_ here?"

**------------------------------------**

**Ice: If you've seen South Park, you'll know what the God-Version of South park looks like. Picture Alf-Platypus-Turtle god. **

**Seriously.**

**Oh yes, I recycled a lot of jokes. **

**And BluePein rules ALL. **

**If anyone recognizes the song Itachi sang, cookie points.**

**And more Naruto Abridged References. Ahh…**

**So, this concludes chapter one of ten of the story Ten Ways to Kill Pein. God I love making fun of him and Shino…and Naruto.**

**Well, R&R, flames will be mocked.**


	2. PUPPET'D!

**Ice: Second chapter up, woot.**

**I need to go on homestarrunner…haven't been on there in a while.**

**DISCLAMIER'D!-Naruto is mine when I cry myself to sleep, making wishes about things I had. Other than that, I don't own it, or anything else. Hell, nearly every other word is something I don't own.**

**----------------------------------**

It was a beautiful day in wherever the hell the Akatsuki hideout is. The sun was shining, Zetsu was eating birds, and flowers were blooming in the wake.

"Hey Tobi! Go long!" Sasori threw Hidan's foot thirty yards over to his to-be successor. Everything was fine, Akatsuki's first-year anniversary. Everyone was here, except Orochimaru. Bloody quitter…And Tobi, for some reason, had a giant **CENSOR** bar over his face.

"I caught it, Sasori! Tobi is such a good boy!" Sasori looked at the boy in question.

"Why do you always speak in third person?"

"It assures Tobi that he is loved and cared for by God. Not you. Me, bitch." Sasori raised an eyebrow. Tobi was being bi-polar again. He sighed, and caught the foot as Tobi threw it back. Their leader burst through the door to the outside.

"Hi everybody!" He had a giant pack of presents on his back.

"Hi Dr. Nick-I mean Pein!" Pein scolded Sasori.

"Yeah, anyway, I'VE GOT PRESENTS FOR ALL OF YOU!" They stood still, which he couldn't comprehend why. He got them presents for god's sake! Wasn't he supposed to be cherished and crap?

"Well, um…why?" He looked at Kisame who had said that.

"Because I fucking did…now get over here before I decide to kill you all!" They scrambled over to him.

"Wow! A brand new Orange mask! Now Tobi can be known for his appearance everywhere!"

"But why did you get this for us?" Blue asked, as she held the nametag 'HELLO, MY NAME IS-Samantha' in her hand.

"So you can all love me."

"But Pein, you're _evil_. Evil people don't buy their friends presents." Pein looked at his partner. She was right. So the only thing he could do was destroy her present. He took the nametag, and broke it in half.

"Ha! Now nobody will know your real name!" She blinked at him.

"Um…" A sudden realization hit him.

"Oh…right…" He went back to giving out presents.

"Another puppet? But I already have what I need." Sasori said quietly.

"Ah, yes, but, it's a Naruto puppet." Sasori's mouth made an 'O'.

"So we can lure him here…and kill him!" Pein nodded hesitantly.

"Sure, whatever you say, Sasori." He looked at Pein strangely. What other way could a forty-year-old man have to do with a small twelve-year-old boy-puppet?

"O-kay…" He went off into his room to tinker with the puppet.

"-Gasp-! A piranha plant! Oh, you shouldn't have!" The obvious voice said.

"Yes, Zetsu. Now you have somebody to talk to who won't be completely freaked out by you! And, I also got you this!" Pein held up a small, adorable Beagle. Its big eyes looked at the smiling Zetsu.

"Aww, but I can't eat him! He's so cute!" Zetsu hugged the only dog in his life he wouldn't eat.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Anyway!" He gave Itachi a voodoo doll, which was shaped like Sasuke.

"What am I going to do with this?" Pein shrugged.

"I'ono. Cause him pain from seventy miles away?" Itachi gave that badass smile.

"Al-right!" He skipped off to his dank room, to put as many needles in Sasuke as he could fit.

---------------------------

_Several miles Away…_

---------------------------

"OH MY GOD!" Sasuke felt excruciating pain in every part of his body.

"DAMN YOU ITACHI! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"

----------------------------

"Here ya go, Deidara." He looked at the gift certificate.

"One free surgery for three extra mouths? What would I need those for, un?" Pein nodded approvingly. "When will I need these?"

"I dunno. Just get the surgery. It took a lot to get that." Pein shivered. He never wanted to do that again.

"Just take the damn surgery!" He shoved Deidara out the door.

"Now, Hidan, I got you this." Pein handed Hidan the yellow book. Hidan looked at him oddly. It was '_More than 101 ways to Swear for Dummies…and a bunch of random Gods…for Dummies'_. Hidan skimmed through the book quickly before putting it in his pocket.

"But leader, I dislike swearing. And, I've found Jesus. Why would I need this?"

"Because, you're a pansy." Hidan's eye twitched.

"I ain't no fuckin' pansy you goddamn son of a bitch!" Pein nodded happily. Hidan wasn't a pansy anymore. He handed Kisame something.

"'Ere. It's a goldfish." Kisame squealed, and everyone in a two-mile diameter covered their ears.

"Oh my _god_! That was worse that Sakura!" Randomly appearing Blue said. Kisame hugged the fishbowl.

"I'M GONNA CALL YOU FISHY!" Pein ignored his extremely OOC subordinate.

"And Kakuzu, here." He gave Kakuzu Three Hundred Dollars.

"It's money." Pein shrugged nonchalantly.

"Eh, money's good for all occasions." Kakuzu shuffled it in his hands. Three hundred bucks was nice. He went to the nearest Indian Casino.

"Okay, that's everyone that matters." Kabuto and Yura appeared.

"What about us?"

"You're not important enough." Pein crossed his arms, hoping they would go away soon.

"My _mom_ thinks I'm special…"

"Well, your mom's a skank."

"At least I have a mom!" Pein smirked in slight defeat.

"Touché. Now get the hell out of here!" He shoved them out of the room.

----------------------------------

Everyone was tinkering with their toys. Tobi was asking people how his shiny new mask looked.

"Tobi, for the last damn time, it looks fine, un!" Deidara was trying to get used to mouths on his hands and chest. The only nice thing was it was a giant ice breaker with the ladies. If they didn't think he was a girl when they first saw him…

"Tobi, get the hell away from me, un!"

"B-but…Tobi must be loved…" Deidara pushed him away.

"Tobi, get away, un!"

"Waaah! Tobi is a good boy!" He was on the floor crying his eyes out. Deidara had to feel sorry for him.

"Ugh…Tobi, you're a good boy, now go get me a bar of chocolate to make up for annoying the hell out of me." Tobi stood up, and saluted Deidara.

"Of course, Deidara! Tobi will be a good boy for you!" Deidara's eye twitched.

"Um…ew, un." Sasori was sitting in the chair across from him, tinkering with his Naruto puppet.

But then, all hell broke loose.

"Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it!" Sasori tried fixing it, but ran away when he failed.

"OH GOD! EVERYONE, RUN AWAY, IT'S MALFUNCTIONING!" Deidara and Tobi ran outside. The Naruto puppet walked stiffly all around the hideout.

------

"Hm, taxes are up Two Percent…" Pein read the newspaper as he spoke aloud to himself. Blue was sitting across from him watching stuff on her iPod, which she named iPein.

"…it…eve it…Lieve it…" Pein looked at his cup of water as it rippled.

"Oh no…oh god no…" 'Twas too late. He heard the words of Satan.

"Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it!" Naruto-Puppet came into the room with Pein and Blue. The puppet clung to Pein.

"Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it!" Pein shouted the words 'help' to Blue. She looked up.

"Holy SHIT! Wait, it's just a Naruto puppet…" He shouted the words; "IT'S AN _AMERICAN_ NARUTO PUPPET!"

"_OH MY GOD_!" She ran over, trying to get the clinging puppet off her partner. Alas, it was too late. The puppet had suffocated him. Blue was giving him CPR again. Angel!Pein appeared again.

"Lol, she's making out with me." God still looked bewildered.

"Seriously, why are you here?!"

----------------------------------

**Ice: Cookie points to the people who recognize the Naruto: Abridged references. **

**Anyway, R&R, flames will be mocked.**


	3. L33T'D!

**Ice: Okay, I'm going to be making Naruto: Abridged references in each chapter. Cookie points if you can find them. This one might be kinda obvious.**

**Anyway, I'm going to update my story. Unlike PClaw. Oh yes. **

**I just burned you **_**again**_**. LolmaorflcopterX2. Oh yeah, I also mention one of your stories…**

**SOMEONE FLAGGED EPISODE 15. RAWR. D:**

**Whatever…**

**Disclaimer: I only own Naruto when the Bible says I do. The Bible doesn't say that? Oh, okay then. I don't own it, or anything else.**

**-----------------------------**

Pein yawned. It was eight in the morning, and he got to sleep at three. He turned to the Life & Style.

"What are you doing up?" Pein turned to the voice. It was Blue/Samantha.

"Eh, I couldn't fall back to sleep."

Since this is getting kinda boring, let's cut to a commercial.

_BUY A ZABUZA SWORD! _

_LOOK HOW IT CAN CUT THROUGH RICE PAPEEERRR!_

_BUY IT NOW!_

_WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING READING THIS STORY?!_

_GO STEAL YOUR PARENTS WALLETS, RUN TO THE STORE AND BUY THIS, LIKE A NINJA WOULD!_

-Kabuto Approved!-

_THIS SWORD IS SO AWESOME; YOU'RE NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO BUY IT! _

_BUT BUY IT ANYWAY! _

_BUY IT NOW, OR YOU SUCK WORSE THAN SAKURA!!!_

"Hey!" –Explodes-

_NOOW!!!_

_Disclaimer: WarningBuyingZabuzaswordmayincreasetheamountofsuckageyouexhibit.VizwillnotbeheldresponsibleifZabuzaswordiseverusedassuppositoryoreyecleaner.Allrightsreservedeventhosewecan'thave.GowatchYu-Gi-Oh:TheAbridgedseries. _

Continuing…

"We have to go get the Nine-tails today."

"Oh shit, that was today?!" Blumantha sighed, and pointed out ever so delicately,

"Well, you had it marked on three calendars, and had three drawings of us getting the fox and you obtaining world domination." Pein blinked.

"That hurt…" Blumantha twitched.

"Wussy. Come on, we should get going." Pein sighed, and went to dress.

-------------------------------

_OFF-PLOTLINE'D!_

-------------------------------

Tobi sat up in his bed, and yawned. He had just finished Deathly Hallows last night, and it was _awesome._ He decided to cook breakfast. He took a shower, put on his mask and robes, and went to put on his '**I'M OBITO---**' apron.

"Ah, chocolate chip muffins…" Tobi took out the muffins and delicately placed them on a plate. Deidara had just appeared from waking up.

"Deidara-senpai! I have a question."

"What is it, un?"

"Did the dinosaurs all die out?" Deidara looked at him as if he were insane.

"Yeah Tobi…un."

"Why did all the dinosaurs die out?" Deidara bluntly said;

"Because you touch yourself at night." Tobi looked down in shame and sadness.

"B-but…"

---------------------------

"Pein; quit dragging your feet." Blumantha said.

"God, I don't want to do this…" He whined, as Blumantha scolded him.

"You're acting like a two-year old. Now, the sooner we get there, the sooner this is over." Pein sighed in defeat.

"Fine." He begrudgingly went.

"Why are you so…whiney about doing this?" Pein looked over at her.

"Because I'm sick, and tired, and I believe that he might kill us, even though he's only fifteen, we're like, thirty, and much more experienced." Blumantha looked at him.

"That…doesn't make any sense."

"Exactly! This whole manga/anime makes no sense!" It was silent for a few moments.

"…….Let's just keep moving." Unfourtunatley, they were attacked by a convenient plot twist.

"'Da fuck?" Naruto had just 'wandered' into the forest they were traveling in.

"Hey! You're those people who want to kill me!"

"Uh…yeah." Pein said, as if Naruto was (is) an idiot.

"SUPER AWESOME GAY TRANSFORMATION GO!" Pein looked at Naruto, who had just transformed into a disgustingly adorable squirrel. Why a squirrel? Because I _freaking_ said so.

Pein looked at the adorable thing in question. How…How was this supposed to stop him? Unfourtunatley, it wasn't Pein he was aiming for.

"Awwww! He's so cute!" Blumantha went over to Squirrel-Naruto, and coddled him.

"Who's a good squirrel? That's right, you are!"

"Uh…Blue?" She didn't answer.

"Seriously, stop." Nothing changed.

"Ooh, you are just the _cutest_ thing!"

"Blue…come on…"

"I should just give _you_ all my attention!" Naruto smirked on the inside. That last comment is what set Pein off. He punched Squruto in the face, who transformed back into Naruto.

"Hey! What was that for? I was so close to coming back and interrogating your place!"

"She is _mine_, bastard!" He punched Naruto again, and didn't notice Blumantha point at a tree with someone in it.

"Um, Pein, we've got company." Pein stopped his assault on a fifteen-year old, to look up at a girl with pink hair and green eyes. Pink hair? What the hell? Did her mom have sex with a Pink on the outside, green on the inside pack of gum?

"l13k, 0h, mY g4wD! uR hUr71n' N4ru70!" Pein looked at Blumantha.

"What?"

"I think she said where to find the nearest coffee shop…"

"No, I think she asked where to buy doughnuts…" Either way, they couldn't tell.

"wH47 R u 74lk1n 4b0u7? 1 s41d uR hUr71n' N4rU70!"

"I'm…I'm sorry…what the _hell_ are you saying?" Sakura looked at them angrily.

"W4T d0 u m34n? 1 _s41d_ st0p huR71n' N4Ru70!" Pein couldn't take it anymore. He had a seizure.

Ka-_L33T'D!_

"Oh my god!" Blumantha ran over to him. She started CPR. Angel!Pein appeared once more, and smirked.

"Lol, that's the third time." God looked at him.

"Why do you keep appearing? Don't you _kill_ people?!" Pein sighed, and looked over to God.

"Eight years of community service does wonders for you…"

---------------------------------

**Ice: 'Twas originally going to be Ino, but I thought she was too overused. **

**Y'know what's weird? Naruto doesn't have any black people…hn…**

**Well, R&R, flames will be mocked.**

**Oh, and One death will be from a Teen Girl Squad. If you are as devoted to Strong Bad as I am, you'll know it. **


	4. SPEEDO'D!

**Ice: CHAPTER FOUR'D!**

**I'll try and stop my addiction to adding 'D to things…**

…

**I LIED'D!**

**This is the strong bad chapter I'm talking about. You'll notice the death, if you're such a SB nerd as I am.**

**DISCLAIMER'D!-Naruto is owned by Kishimoto. And everything else is © to whoever.**

**P.S, only ONE chapter will not have a Naruto: Abridged reference. **

**--------------------------------**

Pein looked at the newly transformed Naruto into his Nine-tails-stage. Pein was about to wet himself. The thing was about eighty feet taller than him, and much more lethal than a small human. He whimpered, and didn't comprehend how Blue wasn't so afraid.

"Oh dear _god,_ what is that?!" He hid behind a tree, and pointed at the giant beast. He had a right to be afraid, dammit!

"Ever since Pokemon USA got the license, it hasn't been the same! They've had to put steroids in the Pokemon!" Pein looked over at Blue from the tree.

"Pokemon? Blue, this is Naruto. We use jutsu's to do our dirty work. Not small, but still lethal animals." Blue made an 'O' with her mouth.

"Oooh…but isn't that against animal rights?"

"They're anime characters, they don't have that." Blue lifted an eyebrow at the statment.

"Soo, basically, every anime _ever_ doesn't make sense." Pein nodded.

"Uh, guys? Giant nine-tails here? I can kill you in an instant…" Blue turned to Naruto-Fox angrily. They were having an intelligent conversation, and he wasn't going to interrupt them.

"Don't interrupt us." Blue took out a small ball of red yarn, and threw it at Naruto. He went on his back, and played with it.

"Anyway, as I was saying, why doesn't anything make sense anymore?" Pein sighed, and answered.

"Eh, I don't know…anyway, let's just get out of here." Completely forgetting about their mission of

WORLD DOMINATION!!!!

They put some random medical syringe thing in Naruto, turning him back into an annoying, perverted Fifteen-year old. They started to leave, still forgetting their mission of

WORLD DOMINATION!!!!

"Alright, let's get back to the hideout." Pein said, following Blue back to their place. Naruto blinked, and looked at them, still on his back playing with the yarn.

"Hey…what just happened?" Naruto continued playing with the yarn ball.

-------------------------------

_OFF PLOTLINE'D ONCE MORE!_

-------------------------------

Tobi was dancing in a field of flowers. Cute adorable bunnies and deer herded him, along with blue birds and Disney-esque beavers. Tobi starting to sing a © song.

"_I have confidence in sunshine!"_

"_I have confidence in rain!"_

"_I have confidence that spring will come again!"_

"_Besides what you will see, I have confidence in me!" _The Good-Boy killer sang as he collapsed into the flowery field. The animals gathered around him, and he hugged them all.

"Tobi! Quit being happy! We're supposed to be cold-blooded killers, with no happiness whatsoever, un!" They sunshine sky went gray, the flowers wilted, and the animals hastily went into a different direction as soon as Deidara's voice was heard. Tobi sulked.

"But…that doesn't make any sense…Everyone's supposed to feel happy."

"Not us…or Organization XIII…but mostly us, un!"

"Deidara-senpai…that….doesn't make any sense…"

"We're _Naruto_; we're not supposed to make sense!" Tobi glumly stood up and walked back to their lair.

"Stupid no-sense manga..."

-----------------------

"So uh…what do you want to do?" Pein pondered the question Blue had asked him.

"Play _Halo_?" She shook her head.

"Nah, I'm not up for that."

"Get on the internet?" Pein shivered.

"Ugh…as long as we don't find any yaoi…or PeinSaku."

"We blocked that site. Too many people were dying…and/or getting AIDS, Hepatitis, Syphilis, and The Ebola Virus."

"They were getting Ebola from _DeviantArt_? How is that possible?!"

"We're _Naruto_; we're not supposed to make sense!"

"Oh, right." He went over to their super special awesome gay computer.

------------------------------

Tobi held his cards to his swirly orange mask, and sweated profusely. Deidara's eyes narrowed. They were having an intense card game. Deidara wiped the sweat from his brow, as he said;

"Got any nine's, un?"

"No, go fish." Deidara threw the table over.

"THAT'S A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT, UN! YOU'VE GOT NINES!" Tobi cowered.

"Al-alright! Here!" He shakily handed Deidara a Nine of Hearts, who took it gracefully.

"Thank you, un." Deidara picked up the table, as he and the traumatized Tobi continued playing.

-------------------------------

"_TEEN GIRL SQUAD!_" Pein blinked, and looked at Blue, who shrugged.

"_CHEERLEADER!_

_SO AND SO!_

_WHAT'S-HER-FACE!_

_THE UGLY ONE!_"

"Pein…this is weird…"

"At least it isn't yaoi…" She nodded, agreeing to the statment.

"Good point."

"_I can't go to summer camp. JUDITH is making me work at shirt folding store…"_ Pein made an odd look.

"Shirt…folding…store?" _'Wow...that was a creative name.' _He thought.

"That's creative…" Blue said, sarcastically.

"_I love the mall! I wish the mall could be my ring tone!" _Pein gave an odd look when the other shops were called 'Pant folding store' and other.

"_WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? GET BACK TO WORK! A KID PUKED IN DRESSING ROOM THREE!" _A poorly-drawn girl came out with magazine-cut-out hair and shoes.

"_But it's my first day and I'm-." _

"_HERE'S YOUR NAMETAG, MARK, NOW GET TO MINIMUM WAGE-IN!" _An astronaut came in to the scene.

"_MEET A FIST!"_

"_-Chhc-She killed my dog-chhc-." _Pein continued watching it.

"That had to be the weirdest thing I have ever seen." Blue said, and shivered slightly.

"Ditto. But it was funny."

"Well, yeah, but…it made less sense than our manga." Suddenly, they were attacked by another convenient plot twist that I just like to make.

Ka_-MANIAC IN A SPEEDO'D!_

Pein was killed by said Maniac in a Speedo. Blue went over to start giving him CPR again, but sighed, and didn't. He was killed, but not by her awesomeness or being suffocated by a horribly malfunctioning puppet. Can puppets even malfunction? Oh whatever...just go up to the heaven!scene.

"Eh…" Angel!Pein appeared.

"Well, that sucks…" God appeared.

"Wanna play Jenga ©?"

"HELL YES!"

-----------------------------

**Ice: The N: A reference was kinda discreet. COOKIES IF YOU FIND IT!**

**There will actually be TWO Teen Girl Squad deaths. Again, cookies if you can find them.**

**Anyway, R&R, flames will be mocked. And you'll get a mention in the next chapter if you do flame! Yay you!**


	5. I'M NOT TELLING YOU THE DEATH'D!

**Ice: 'Kay, since I'm kinda running out of death ideas, reviewers, I'm holding a death contest!**

**Woot!**

**(Thanks to PClaw, for the idea, who **_**should**_** update his story regularly. But _doesn't!) (_Also, you metioned the word update. So...yeah.)**

**Ha I burned you a _third_ time. **

**I'll…stop now. You've been nice to me…I'll stop…**

**ANYWAY, REVIEW THIS STORY, PEONS!**

**Oh, and the N:A reference will be painstakingly obvious, and will cause the death of Pein. Think hard about it, and you'll get it.**

**------------------------------------**

"ZOMG!!!!!111!!!!!!!!Eleventyoneabconetwothreequantumphysics." Pein blinked. Who was this person? She had kitty ears. And insane eyes. And she looked like she was going to rape him. Pein hid behind the first person he saw, who was Blue.

"'Da hell? Why are you hiding behind me, again?" He pointed at the young, insane, pubescent girl.

"She's going to rape me, and/or kill me!" Fanny the Fangirl looked at Blue angrily.

"ZOMG T3H F3MAL3 CANON! U MUST DIEEE!" Fanny the Fangirl went to attack her. Unfourtunatley, Blue just put a hand on her forehead, keeping Fanny at Bay.

"Nyeeeaaah! But PeinTobi must rule all!" Pein punched her in the face. As she came up, her anime-esque crying eyes looked at Pein.

"Why did u do that?" Pein looked at her as if it were painstakingly obvious. Which, technically, _it was_.

"Because you see her?" He pointed to Blue, "Yeah, I have a better chance with her than I do with your stupid fan-made pairings. I.E, Tobi. Tobi is probably like, four years younger than me. Somehow, since I don't know my age, I don't know how hold he is. Nonetheless, I have a better chance of being with her than your stupid yaoi pairings." Blue didn't say anything. She didn't want to tell him about her inner SasuNaru, SoRi, and AkuRoku fangirl.

"……Blue?"

"HUH? Yeah…"

"Don't you agree? Basically this girl is wrong and completely ignores canon?"

"Oh yeah. Sure."

"ZOMG U MUST DIEEEEEE!" She tried attacking Blue again, who simply put a hand on her forehead.

"God…can we cut to Tobi or Itachi, or whoever for a second?"

--------------------------

"Sasori? I have a question." The adorably happy swirly-masked killer pranced-

That's right.

Pranced.

Over to Sasori.

"Hm? Yeah, what is it, Tobi?"

"What's emo mean?" Sasori sweat-dropped.

"Tobi, why are you asking that?"

"I dunno!"

"Uh…….." He couldn't think of a good definition. What the hell did emo mean anyway?

"Well? What is it?"

"Uh………….."

"-Sigh- If you don't have an answer, I'll just go ask Deidara-Senpai…" Sasori didn't want to be stood up for that girly-ass pansy. So, he couldn't control himself, and blurted out;

"Emo equals Sasuke!" Tobi blinked.

"What?"

--------------------------

"Well that's finally over…" Blue wiped her hands and stepped away from the twitching, bloody, bone-broken fangirl.

"Well, Pein, we have to go try and get the Nine-Tails again. You up for it?" Pein sprayed himself with a giant yellow spray can.

"Okay. I'm ready." Blue raised an eyebrow. Where did he get that all of a sudden, and why did he have it?

"Um…Pein, what in the bloody hell is that?"

"Oh, this is just fangirl-repellent. I borrowed some from Deidara. And Sasori. And Itachi…so I combined them into one to make a giant repellent that can repel any fangirl!" Blue sucked in her lips.

"Y'know…you could've just…thrown Itachi or Sasori at them, and they would've been okay."

"Yeah…well…shut up!" Blue dragged him off outside.

"Why are you dragging me?"

"So you can't get away when you remember what Naruto Nine-Tails form looks like." Pein tried to escape.

"OH JESUS, HELP ME! NOT AGAIN!" She struggled to get him moving.

"Pein! I swear to freaking god I will call all your fangirls in a ninety mile radius if you do _not_ come!" Pein whimpered slightly, and stood up.

"Alright, alright…."  
---------------------

_OFF PLOTLINE'D!_

---------------------

"Itachi, Itachi, I have a question!" Tobi ran up to the Sharingan master.

"-Sigh- Tobi, what do you want?" Tobi thought for a second on how to phrase his question.

"Well…Um…"

"Just spit it out or go away!"

"Is your brother emo?" Itachi sighed.

"Tobi..."

"Well?" He sighed once more.

"…….Yes. Yes he is, Tobi."

----------------------------

"Pein, can you come faster?!" Pein slouched behind Blue. He didn't want to wet himself. Again.

"Bluuuee! I don't want to wet myself again!" He whined at her, as she closed her eyes and counted to ten.

"Then don't. You're a grown man. You can control your urine and excrement."

"Yeah, but not when you're faced with a freakin' nine-tails."

"Pein! Just do it!" He sighed and trudged on. God, why was it him who had to do everything. Pein suddenly heard something. Music. Evil, evil music that would cause a sudden and deadly convenient plot twist.

_Dun…dun…_

Pein looked up into the sky. Did he hear music?

"Hey, do you hear that?" Blue nodded slightly.

"Kinda…"

_Dun…dun…_

"It's getting louder…"

_Dun…dun…dun…dun…_

"Oh god…is it…is what I think it is?"

_Duuuuuuuuuuuuuunn…duuuuuuuuuun…duuuuuuuuun…_

"Oh god. Oh god!" He turned slowly to Blue, who said:

"They're…they're here…" Blue turned to the loud rustle in the tree.

"They're…they're…"

"_FANGIRLS!"_

"ZOMGZOMGZOMGIT'SPEIN!" Pein cowered behind Blue, who gritted her teeth on the fact that he was hiding behind her. _AGAIN._

"The repellent isn't working! I'm going to die!" Blue rolled her eyes.

"Well…duh…" He turned to her.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing, just turn your attention back to them."

"ZOMG PEIN! LET ME SEX U UP!" A part of Pein's soul shriveled up and _died._

"Uuugghhh…No…" All the fangirls twitched. Simultaneously.

"B-But…" He pointed to Blue.

"I'm doing _her_."

"Wait! I still have one move left!" One fangirl shouted. She made some weird hand sign.

A log appeared.

"Oh shit. Run away!" Pein and Blue tried running away, but Pein was ultimately…

Ka-…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

HE WAS

Ka-_LOG'D!_

Oh yes.

Totally worth the wait.

"OMG Pein!" Blue went over to him, but remembered the plot.

"Oh. Right. You're supposed to die. Right." She whistled as she flung his body over her shoulder, and carried him to the hideout.

ANGEL!PEIN TIME!

"Hey god, you wanna go play _Resistance: Fall of Man?_" God smirked.

"Hell yes."

------------------------

**Ice: I'm insulting Christians. Sorry.**

**Oh hell yeah. PEIN GOT LOG'D! **

**And think TGS on the chapter. I've got the last chapter all planned out…**

**But am I going to tell you? No, of course not.**

**Because I'm just that evil.**

**And self-centered. Whatever…**

**Alas, R&R, flame for all I care.**


	6. INSTRUMENT'D!

**Ice: Sorry for the small lack-of-update-(Shut it, Phoenix) been too busy failing at Twilight: Princess. **

**Also: Naruto A. Reference. Really, really, really obvious. **

**Away we go with my stalling!**

**Disclaimer: I own Naruto? Wow, news to me. Wait a sec, I don't? Damn Congress…fine, I don't own Naruto or anything else…**

**Oh, and Sasori is the **_**hottest**_** and ****prettiest**** member of the Akatsuki. Thank god he did that puppet conversion thing, although Tobi and Deidara are my favorite members. **

**---------------------**

"You're really pretty, Sasori, un." Deidara said, obviously drunk. Sasori cringed.

"I'm pretty? At least say I'm hot to make me feel better." Deidara shook his head.

"No-_hic_-you're pretty…Prolly the prettiest in the Akatsuki…-_hic_-." Sasori's eyelid twitched. He was _not_ pretty. He was sexy. A sexy, sexy piece of puppet.

"I'm sexy."

"Pretty-hic-."

"_Sexy_."

"_Pre_-hic-_tty_."

"Sexy!"

"Preeettyyy!"

"_SEXY_!"

"_PREETTTYYYY_!"

"Hey, what are you fighting about?" The Good-Boy killer piped in.

"Tobi, am I sexy or pretty?" Tobi went back a little, slightly appalled. He put his hands up.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not gay." Sasori slit his eyes.

"I know that, you dunce. But, if you had to say, was I pretty or sexy?" Tobi thought for a moment, and then shouted out in glee.

"Pretty! But, I'm the cutest as a Chibi!" The drunk Deidara and Sasori turned to each other.

"What's a Chibi_-hic-_un?"

"I don't know…" Tobi stood on his tip-toes, and said ever-so-intelligently,

"It's a disgustingly cute rendition of us, shorter, bigger, more adorable eyes, and nubs for hands."

"Ooohh…"

"Okay, anyway, I'm off to go control the world! Mwuhahaha!" Tobi went into evil genius mode again. Sasori and Deidara sighed.

"Pein! It's your turn!" Sasori yelled into the other room.

----------------

"Seriously. Get them off." Pein cringed as Blue put another bow in his hair. She decided that he would be her 'doll' to dress up. He had about twenty ribbons in his hair, a tiara on, and a pretty pink bow around his waist that said 'Pretty, Pretty Princess' on it. He was desperately looking for an excuse to get out of the situation.

"Aw, but you look so adorable!" She gave him a tight hug. Pein died a little inside.

"Pein! It's your turn!" Getting up quickly, he ran into the other room.

"Pein! You suck!" Blue whined, and immediately had another devious thought.

"Zetsu! Get in here!"

------------------------

Pein rushed into the room, in his girly garb and all, people snickering as he did.

"Oh shut up, all of you!" Pein put Tobi on his back, and started to pat his back.

"What?! What is the meaning of this?!" Pein patted his back until Tobi burped.

"Alright, there you go." Tobi stupidly walked around the Akatsuki, saying;

"DERR, I'M A GOOD BOY!" Randomly appearing Kakuzu sighed.

"No more bean-burrito night for him."

"I'M A GOOD BOY!" Tobi said, like a broken record.

"Who gave him the beans?!" Pein demanded. Hidan cautiously raised his hand.

"I thought it might be funny…shitfuckhelldamnbitchlolololol."

"DERR, I'M STILL A GOOD BOY!" Pein narrowed his eye at Tobi.

"Shut…the hell up…you fuzzbag…" Pein knocked Tobi unconscious.

"Now that that's all done, I've got a cruel and unusual punishment for you all." They groaned.

"Fine! CaUP and no alcohol for two months, besides me!" They murmured, obviously annoyed.

"What is it?" Sasori perked up.

"You have to entertain me! By playing an instrument…" They all looked at him in query.

"But uh….how is that cruel and unusual punishment?" Pein thought for a second. He had sucky punishments.

"Okay, you all have to play an instrument you haven't played before." They groaned.

"There! I'm eviler now!" Pein looked in question. Where was Zetsu?

"Where's Ze-?" He was stopped by a Zetsu with multiple flower-decorations in his venus-fly-trap thing. He tried escaping out of Pein's bedroom door.

"Help…me! She's…oh god…_help_!" He was dragged back inside, and the door locked behind them.

"Okay, Zetsu's an exception. Now, go!" They all begrudgingly went off.

---------------------

"Are you going to kill me?" Zetsu said to the now probably insane Blue.

"No…I'm going to decorate you!" She laughed insanely, and Zetsu died on the inside.

---------------------

"OH GOD! NOT THE _PINK DRESS_! ANYTHING BUT THE _DRESS_!" Pein shrugged at the screaming Zetsu.

"Now! Everybody ready!" Pein's quote-cruel and unusual punishment-unquote began.

"Oh come on, leader! This is lame!" Sasori whined.

"So? Nobody gets away with feeding Tobi bean burritos." Sasori sighed, and played a horrible, horrible tune on the violin. Everyone recoiled.

"Uuughh! Sasori that was freakin' _terrible_, un!" Sasori glared over at Deidara.

"I DON"T PLAY THE FUCKING VIOLIN! I PUPPET!" Sasori threw a trombone.

Which, in turn, 'conveniently' hit Pein.

Ka-_TROMBONE'D!_

"Ow…that kinda stung…" Pein rubbed his head.

Pein. Die. Now.

Pein dropped dead on the floor. Everyone backed away from Sasori.

"Oh, Blue is gonna get you!" Sasori looked over at Kakuzu.

"We have a plot, y'know."

"Ooh…right. Sorry."

ANGEL!PEIN TIIIMME!

Pein and SP-God were playing Halo.

"Since we're having a-Oh come on! That wasn't fair you jackass!-let's go to Nollie Williams for the weather on Earth report. Nollie?"

"IT'S RAINING SIDEWAYS!"

"-Put it on pause, on pause, dammit!-Can we get you anything?"

"BRING ME SOME SOUP!"

"-Dammit Pein, put it on Pause!-what kind?"

"CHUNKY!"

"Alright, we'll get on that."

"WOO-HOO! YOU LOSE, GOD-BOY!"

"That's because you cheated, bastard…" God got sneaky, and took out some victory pie and © Cool Whip, sprinkling some of his hair in it.

"Ooh! Let me have some of that pie!" God looked at him. Didn't he see him put hair in the pie?

"Uh…okay…" Pein took a bite from the piece, and saw the Cool Whip.

"Ooh! Let me have some of that Cooh Whip!"

"Uh…what?"

"You can't have a pie without Cooh Whip!"

"What are you saying?"

"Cooh whip, pie tastes better with Cool Whip!"

"Cool Whip."

"Cooh Whip."

"Cool Whip."

"Cooh Whip."

"You're saying it weird, why are you putting so much emphasis on the 'H'?"

"What are you talking about?" Pein looked at God. What was he talking about? He was just saying it like usual.

"Say Whip."

"Whip."

"Now say Cool Whip."

"Cooh Whip."

"Cool Whip."

"Cooh Whip."

"_Cool _Whip."

"Cooh Whip." Finally getting annoyed, god ended it.

"YOU'RE EATING HAIR!"

"-Ppfh-!" Pein spit out the pie.

----------------------------

**Ice: Eh…I didn't really like this chapter…**

**Oh well. I guess it was better in my head. Oh, and that was Ollie Williams from Family Guy. And Cool Whip. LOL. **

**Sasori is really, really pretty!**

**Alas, R&R, flame for all I care.**


	7. LACK OF UPDATE'D!

**Ice: Oh…I'm going to be kinda mean to you in this chapter, PClaw. You are involved in the death.**

**THAT'S FOR NOT UPDATING IN A WHILE, DAMMIT!**

**Oh and there will be two deaths in this. One is Tobi's. Oh, and it's a TGS death. One of my favorite deaths. So Tobi dies. Sort of.**

**Disclaimer: -insert wit here- I don't own Naruto or anything else.**

**ALSO: This chapter will be shorter.**

**--------------------------------**

"Tobi! Stop using my shampoo, un!" Deidara yelled at Tobi. He clocked the empty bottle at Tobi, who fell to the floor. Sasori took the other empty bottle from Deidara.

"Deidara! That's how we cause him to be bi-polar! And that's how we cause him brain damage! But mostly the bi-polar!" Sasori flicked the side of Deidara's head.

"Ow! Don't do that, un!" Deidara slapped Sasori.

"Ow! That hurt!" Sasori slapped Deidara. They eventually got into a complete-all out-slap fight.

Or, in other words, sissy fight. Itachi and Kisame came in, and stared at them.

"What…what's going on?" The newly revived Tobi stood up.

"I don't know…" Deidara and Sasori stopped, and caught their breath.

"Hey, Tobi! You're awake!" Sasori pointed out. Deidara ran quickly to Tobi, and was about to kill him, literally.

"Tobi! You used up all my shampoo and conditioner! I'm going to KILL YOU!" Deidara dangled him from the balcony.

_DANGLED FROM AN AKATSUKI BALCONY'D!_

They looked up at the disembodied voice.

"That's it?" Tobi said.

"Seems kinda lame, I mean, I wanted to hurt you…un."

No-I-uh…I mean…

_AND THEN DROPPED FROM SAID AKATSUKI BALCONY'D!_

"That's better!" Tobi shouted before he was dropped.

"Okay, now that that's out of the way…" Deidara wiped off his hands.

"Tobi's dead." They heard a ring from their doorbell.

"Alright, Alright, I'm coming…" Sasori answered the door, seeing the swirly-faced killer.

"Tobi! How are you alive?!"

"Remember when Sasuke practically cut through me and I survived? Yeah, this is nothing."

"Oooh…okay. Let's get on to the other death now."

--------------------

"No! Blue, I can't take it anymore!" Pein shoved his hands in front of her face. She sighed, irate.

"Take it like a man, Pein!"

"But it tastes funny!"

"Just do it!"

"AH! NO! NO MORE!" Blue twitched.

"THE DOCTOR SAID TO TAKE TWO SPOONFULS EACH DAY TO KEEP YOU INFECTIONS ALRIGHT! DAMMIT PEIN, JUST DO IT!"

"NO! YOU'L NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

"PEIN, YOU'RE SUCK A BABY!" Pein ran into the other room. Blue stomped out of the room, throwing the medicine across to the wall.

"God…" Blue went into the kitchen to pour herself a martini.

"Why doesn't Deidara like me? I'm only a weird guy 99 percent of the time…" Tobi said, depressed.

"What are you the other One percent of the time?" Sasori asked.

"A leprechaun!" Sasori backed away very slowly.

-----------------

"Can someone hand me my laptop?" Pein yelled, as he sat in his big red comfy chair. A laptop was chucked at his head.

"Bastards…" He opened up his silver piece of awesome.

"Let's see…I want to read a KyoToruhe…alright!" He typed in FANFICTION on the URL bar. Alright, whatever." He looked up the Anime section on the website.

"What the fuck? Naruto?" He clicked on it. Clicking over a few thousand pages, he saw a story called 'Just another Day'.

Yes. You better update your story or else I will just keep burning you.

Over

And over

and over again.

"Oh, this guy hasn't updated since April! Cheap sell out…" Pein cringed.

And here comes the really, really rushed death.

Ka_-LACK OF UPDATE'D!_

"Zetsu! It's your turn!" Sasori yelled, as he came upon Pein's dead body.

"Alright, alright…" Zetsu dragged Pein's body outside.

"Damn story…" Sasori looked over at Deidara from reading the paper.

"So uh…Deidara, what are you raking in from taxes this year?"

-----------------

"Now," God said, "let's go to Nollie Williams for the heaven adopted pet of the week. Nollie?"

"WHO WANTS THIS DOG?!"

"Thank you Nollie."

"Oh come on…let me watch The Simpsons!" Pein tried wrestling the remote away from God.

"No! I'm watching Celebrity Death Match!

"Give me the damn remote!"

"Nollie-let me watch CDM, dammit- what do you think of this situation?"

"I SAW A FISH!"

"Thank you Nollie."

----------------------

**Ice: Eh, short chapter. So sue me.**

**PHOENIX, you BETTER update your story soon!**

**Or I will knife you.**

**AND IT WILL BURN!**

**Yeah, I make no sense…**

**Anyway, R&R, flame for all I care.**


	8. GLOMP'D?

**Ice: Oh…oh this chapter's gonna be sweet. **

**Naruto Abridged reference? A bit…not there. But…whatever.**

**I swear to god, Pein dies in the best way ever. Or, at least, in my imagination.**

**Disclaimer: Owning Naruto would cause me to point and laugh at all of you…which, I do that anyway. But whatever. I don't own Naruto or anything else. BUT I WANT LOCO ROCO!**

--------------------------

"Pein, what are you doing?" Blue looked at her partner in question. He was drawing on a sketch pad. A pink, sketch pad. With flowers on it. And curly lettering. Blue almost had a seizure just looking at it.

"You look like a little girl." Pein slit his eye at her, but continued his drawings. Blue paced around him, trying to get a peek at his drawings.

"What are you drawing?"

"Stuff." She growled. He was like a teenager!

"If you don't tell me, I'm…I'm going to do something."

"What?" She paused. What was she going to do?

"Um…………"

"Precisely what I thought."

"…Dennis." He looked up.

"What?"

"Dennis. If you don't let me see your drawing, I will call you Dennis."

"…How will that affect me?"

"It won't. At first, but then you'll slowly start to wonder why I'd pick such a name, most likely going insane by the thought." Pein narrowed his eyes.

"No."

"Alright, Dennis. Then I'll just-."

_Tobi and Deidara_

"-Hey, what the crap? You cut me off! This better be important!" Blue yelled.

"YOU WIN THE PRIZE!" Tobi yelled at Deidara, who didn't seem fazed.

"And what is that, exactly, un?"

"You get to find my sock!" Deidara made eye contact with his IQ-less-than-100 teammate, but turned back to his book.

"Yeah, good for you. Go find it yourself, un."

"B-But…Deidara-Senpai…you remember what happened last time I tried to find something…" Deidara sighed.

"Tobi, you found it. There was no tragic past. Now go away, un!"

"B-But…Senpai…"

"Go bug Sasori!"

"Fine…"

--------------------------

"Alright, now I'm going to-."

_Sasori and Tobi_

"SON OF A ----------------MIS--------------CA-----------BALONEY!" Blue swore loudly, all across the hideout.

"Holy Shitfuckbitchhoe! She's the perfect girl for me!" Hidan rushed into the other room, carrying a large bouquet of flowers he randomly spawned with his awesomeness.

Tobi and Sasori looked at the odd scene, before conversing again.

"Anyway, why do you expect me to help you find your, um, sock?"

"Because Deidara-senpai told me to come to you."

"That lazy bastard…fine, I'll help you." Begrudgingly, Sasori slouched after the skipping and/or prancing Tobi.

----------------------

"What the hell?" Blue pointed at the picture Pein drew in his sketch. It was her, but with a larger head, smaller and pudgier body, and adorably disgusting huge twinkly eyes.

"Dennis/Pein….what is this?"

"It's a Chibi."

"A what now?"

"Remember back in chapter…I think….chapter six, when Tobi was saying how he looked the best as a Chibi?"

"I think so."

"Well, I decided to draw all of us like that!" Blue twitched. And twitched again. And then again.

"Pein…I think I just contracted diabetes from how sugary-sweet this is. And there are only two other things that can cause that. Baby Animals and Loco Roco." Pein squealed.

"Then you like it?!" Her lip twitched.

"Yes I like it…but…you're evil, dammit! Burn some orphanages, push down fat people, scare the living tard out of and old person, or…hell, I don't know…ACTUALLY CATCH NARUTO INSTEAD OF RUNNING AWAY FROM THE NINE-TAILS LIKE A PUSSY!" Blue shouted.

"Geez Blue, calm down."

"CALM?! I AM CALM!" She shouted once more.

"Then why are you yelling?"

"I just say whatever out O powerful and sexy awesome overlord tells me to say."

"Um…what?"

"WQOWIRUWEFNSM FNWOQRIUEWOIRUEOWITUOIJKWJRLKCHEESEYPOOFS." Pein backed away from the malfunctioning Blue.

-------------------

Three Hours Later

-------------------

"Okay, Pein, first, you are evil. Need I remind you again? Repeat after me." He nodded.

"I am evil. I will always be evil, except if Naruto pulls that fancy crap on me. I tell ya, how does he do that? Let's see who he's converted…Tsunade, Zabuza, Hinata, Gaara, Neji; he tried with Sasuke, and does that little kid with the long scarf count? Jesus, Naruto is turning into a bit of a Mary-Sue…wait…crap…don't repeat that!"

"Well, I do have to agree with you-."

"OH GOD! OH JESUS NO!" Sasori, Tobi, and Deidara were effortlessly trying to fend off something.

"B-but! Let me in! My name is **S**aiyuri-**T**ori-**U**lala-**P**ilates-**I**ku-**D**ai-**M**atsu-**S**akiko-**U**sagi-**E**tsu! I am Pein's tru wuv! He knows me from my dark and tormenting past of tormentingness! And, I've also come to kill Blue."

"Why?" Tobi asked.

"BECAUSE SHE'S _CANON_! I have to kill her, because she's abusing Pein! In the bad way."

"Actually, if you don't count the bunny ears…" Blue shoved Pein out of the way.

"I'm not abusing him. At least, not in the bad way. Sure, I say some bad things to him once in a while, but that's for his own good." Blue glared at him, "Remember, evil thoughts."

"I know, I know! Shut up…"

"PEIN IS MINE!" Saiyuri pounced. But, she missed Blue, instead landing a death blow on Pein.

Ka-_SUE'D!_

I, I mean…uh…

Ka-_Glomp'd? _

Sure. Why not.

"OMG YOU BITCH!" Blue took out her mighty unknown weapon(s) of FEAR, and just freakin' _destroyed _and/or bitch slapped the hell out of Stupid M-Sue…I mean…Saiyuri.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH ME, BITCH!" Blue snarled, and everyone backed away.

ANGEL!PEIIIN!

Pein at God, who was beating him in Wii bowling.

"Oh come on! You have way more experience than I do!" Pein whined.

"Sucks to be you." Pein whined-like-Cartman.

"Mehhh! Meeeeehh! Meeeeeeehhh!" He stomped the ground and pouted.

"Yesss! You may rock at shooters, but I DOMINATE in Wii!"

"…Wanna play Guitar Hero 2?" Pein said randomly, getting out the super special awsome gay Guitar.

"FREAKIN' YEAH!"

-------------------

**Ice: ME WANT GUITAR HERO.**

**ME WANT PLAY TROGDOR SONG.**

**That's enough Caveman talk now. **

**Oh, if any Die-hard N: A fans can find the reference, GOOD FOR YOU! –Nice Guy pose-**

**R&R please. AND PHOENIX! You are NOT Allowed to go on vacation until you finish your story!**

**Wait…you already are?**

**Well……….**

**You suck. I have to go BACK TO SCHOOL, while you go to the goddamn BEACH!**

…

**Just for kicks, I'm going to recite the ENTIRE Trogdor song.**

'**TROGDOR!**

**TROGDOR!**

**Trogdor was a man…well…he was a dragon man! Well…maybe he was just a dragon…but he was still TROGDOR!**

**TRO-.' Okay, that's enough of that now.**


	9. ROCO'D!

**Ice: GRFGWHEGEHRWIOI.**

**God. I finally get the idea for my story. And five minuets before I told myself I'm supposed to go to bed…DX**

**Ugh…Naruto Abridged reference? It's here. It's queer. It's used to it. **

**Everything © Kishimoto and their owners. And I still want Loco Roco. But I can't find my PSP charger.**

**-------------------------**

Pein's tongue stuck out as sweated profusely, moving his PSP left and right. Blue looked over at her odd team-mate, and slit her eyes. What was he doing? And why was he sweating? He couldn't be looking at kittens; he disliked downloading things to his PSP. She was about to say something, but Tobi decided he wanted to die today.

"HI!" Blue growled at him.

"…Tobi leik pie." Tobi said.

"Yes Tobi, we kno-OMG! I'M DEAD!" Blue gave a signal to Pein to act dead. Their eyes went to X's, and they held in their breath.

"-Le Gasp-Well…it looks like it's just me left…" Tobi paused before making a valiant pose.

"THAT MEANS IT'S MY TIME TO SHI-!" He was cut off by Deidara grabbing him and taking him to the other room. Blue and Pein started to breath again.

"WHAT?! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Tobi yelled to no avail.

"Okay, now that that's out of the way…" Blue got out her laptop, and started to type in random things on the internet.

"Okay, now to sort out the actual websites from the porn…" Blue made a shocked face. Something said 'Go Chickens! Copy & Paste this three times and get a free Chicken!'

"OH…MY…GOD…" Pein looked at her.

"What?"

"I CAN GET A FREE CHICKEN!" She hastily typed in 'GO CHICKENS!' into random places. Magically, a chicken appeared. Blue hugged it.

"I got a chicken! I'm gonna call you Clucky!" She hugged/choked/maimed Clucky. Pein looked at the odd scene.

"Weirdo…" He said, turning back to his game.

"Takes one to know one, bitch." She retaliated. He dropped his head.

"Awww…you suck!" Pein stomped the ground, but turned back to his game.

---------------------------

Tobi and Deidara

---------------------------

"Hey Deidara-senpai? You wanna play Marco-Polo with Itachi?" Deidara smiled deviously, rubbing his hands up together, which, was not a good idea. The hand's tongues met. Deidara twitched at his stupidness.

"Dammit, they made out again, un!" He sighed, and turned to Tobi, who had a sickeningly sweet chibi blush and pose.

"Yes Tobi! Now let's go, un!" Deidara flew off with his AWESOMENESS. Tobi just stood their in wonder…ment…

"Um…Senpai? What…"

----------------------

"Marco, un!" Deidara yelled, as Itachi stood there, veins popping out of his head.

"Deidara you bastard! Stop doing this!" He shook his head, not knowing Itachi couldn't see it.

"Nope! If you win…We'll be your slaves for a month, un!" Itachi raised his sunglass-covered eye.

"…alright. But you can't move!" Itachi yelled back.

"Alright, un! Now, let's get into position, my dimwitted friend!" Tobi paused before hitting himself with a hammer.

"Is Tobi a good boy, Senpai?" Deidara nodded, and Tobi beamed…ish…

"Yay!"

-------------------

"Alright Itachi, give us the forty dollars." Deidara held out his sleeve-covered hand, and Itachi grumbled as he paid up.

"You suck, you know that, right?" Deidara nodded.

"I may suck, but you suck balls, literally, un." Itachi growled.

"I can kill you, y'know!"

"If you can find me…un." Itachi tried attacking him, but failed, as he couldn't really see where he was going. So he ran into a wall.

Deidara handed twenty dollars to Tobi, who had given Kakuzu his twenty. He still had a debt to pay off.

--------------------

"Pein, what are you playing?"

"Something."

"You're not going to tell me, are you?"

"Something."

"Are you dying from cancer?"

"Something."

"…I hate you."

"Something."

"You're not getting any for a month."

"Someth-Wait! Damn!" He pouted.

"No, pouting will not get you anywhere. So just stop trying." He sighed.

"God…"

"Show me what you're playing." He sighed, and handed over the PSP.

"Loco Roco? Doesn't this cause diabetes?" Pein gave an odd look. Why did she keep saying that?

"There's no actual proof…"

"IT CAN CAUSE IT, DAMMIT! IT CAN AND IT WILL!"

"But-."

"LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALAL!" Blue shouted as she covered her ears.

"…you scare me."

"I know. It's because I'm a female. That' my job." Pein shriveled up and died a little.

"Ugh……will you stop with your conspiracy theories? They're usually wrong."

"Just you wait Pein…Just you wait…"

----------------

One Week Later

----------------

"BLUE! I HAVE DIABETES NOW!" Blue sighed, and looked up from her 'Make your man less girly for Dummies'.

"I told you!" Pein picked up his PSP, and apparently not learning anything, started to play Loco Roco.

Unfourtunatley, this is what will cause his downfall.

Or, his ninth downfall. Whatever.

Ka_-LOCO ROCO'D!_

"Ow! My spine!" He yelled, before dying painfully. Blue sighed.

"Sasori!" Sasori muttered profanities.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming…"

-------------------

Pein and God were having an all-out battle of who is better at DDR than the other. Pein was winning, but God could easily make a comeback.

"WINNER-PEIN!" Pein cheered in victory as God slumped.

"Ha! I win Old man! I am the MASTER of Love Love Shrine!"

"Yeah, but I can beat you in Butterfly!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Yu-huh!"

"Nu-!" Pein was hit in the head by god.

"I SAID YES, DAMMIT!"

--------------------

**Ice: I give Christians a bad name…Which is good, since I'm not one:D **

**Anyway, one more chapter to go, and I'll update tomorrow. Or today…whatever! **

**R&R, flame plz. **


	10. TENTHENIAL EXTRAVAGANZA!

**Ice: TEH LAST CHAPPIE.**

**This one does not have a Naruto Abridged Reference. HA.**

**It's all TGS baby. **

…'**Kay.**

**Teen Girl Squad © The Chapman Brothers. Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto**

**---------------------------------**

Blue and Pein sat and the couch, in the brightly sun-light room, staring at particularly nothing.

"So…"

"Yeah…."

"…What do you want to do?"

"I dunno. Watch Conan O' Brien?"

"Meh…" Blue took out the new Icha Icha Paradise book. Pein snapped his fingers, his idea coming to him.

-----------------------------------

He took out a pencil, and some pieces of line paper. He drew random stick figures of Blue, Deidara, Itachi, and Kakuzu.

Writing the name 'TEEN AKATSUKI SQUAD' on it.

------------------------------------

"TEEN GIRL-er, crap, copyrighted,-AKATSUKI SQUAD TENTHENIAL EXTRAVAGANZA!" He said in a high, but still raspy falsetto voice.

"DEIDARA-(Cheerleader)!"

"TOBI-(So-and-so)!"

"ITACHI-(What's her face)!"

"BLUE-(The ugly One)!" He drew them sitting at a lunch table.

"Lunch time, gals, un!" Deidara said, "Now let's get ready to eat-."

"NO FOOD!" Tobi, Deidara, and Itachi all said at the same time in the poorly drawn comic.

"Eating lunch is for weirdoes…" Tobi said.

"Holla frindz, its corn and corn alone day!" Blue said, carrying a large tray of corn. Then, Pein made a weird, miniature-sized knight come out of the corn.

"Corn is no place for a mighty warrior!"

"So…who wants to come to my sweet someteen birthday bash tonight?!" Apparently teenager Blue teenager said.

"Is it gonna be nick-at-night themed again?" Itachi asked.

"I don't think I can stomach another show not on the WB." Tobi sneered.

"No, we can't come…we have…the…Olympics! Tonight!" Deidara said. Blue dropped her head in the comic.

"Oh, 'cause it's a boy/girl party…" Deidara and Tobi perked up.

"A B'GRL PRTY?"

"Taking the vowels out of words doesn't always make them cool…" Itachi said quietly.

"I'm srry." Tobi said sheepishly.

"The coach just called and said the Olympics are dumb! We'll be there like shareware, un!" Deidara held up his cell phone, and closed it after the coach 'called'.

----------------------

Kisame, garbed in coaches clothing, looked at his watch in vain, and mysteriously heard what Deidara had said.

"I dunno what they're talking about, I swear!" He said to some random guy.

-------------------------

They stood by each other, and Deidara talked to them as their 'leader'.

"Now, more than ever before, let's get ready to look-." They spun around 180 degrees.

"-SO GOOOD!"

-------------------------

Pein looked at himself. How did he manage to do that?

"Whoa! That was about the coolest thing ever! We gotta see that again!"

"DOOOG OSS-SOO GOOOD!" He saw it again. Itachi started spinning.

"Uh-oh. We got a spinner." Itachi smiled adorably.

"Weeeee!"

---------------------------

AT ZE PARTY

--------------------------

There was a bunch of random people there, with a banner that said 'HAPPY SWEET SOMETEEN' on it.

"A'ight Wallflowers. I'm gonna get makey-outey all over those uppaclasswomen!" Deidara went over to Sakura, Ino, and Hinata, who apparently developed Scottish accents, and had on kilts and those little hats.

"AUGH."

"AUGH."

"AUGH." They all said, holding their pitchers of beer.

"Any of you girls wanna ditch this pre-school party? I know a couple HAWT junior college jams we could hit." Sakura picked him up, and hurled him twenty three meters across the room.

_CABER-TOSS'D!_

Deidara was thrown, and…died somehow, and he hit near Itachi.

"I really want. Some of these chips." He said, not being able to take out his hands from his pockets, eyeing the chips that sat on the table.

Keep in mind, this is STILL a comic.

"Augh! Only 23 meters!" Sakura said, in her tough Scottish accent. The little warrior came out from the corn chips.

"Corn chips are no place for a mighty warrior." He went over to Itachi, and stuck out his little spear by his spinning stomach. Pein made a little grinding noise.

_LATHE'D!_

"Ow! I hope they have those corn chips in heaven!"

Over to Tobi…

"Hey Random Ninja Number One, Random Ninja Number Two are splitsville, and I'm looking for a little rebound action!" RNNO didn't look up from the game she was playing.

"Hecks no! I got Bowser on the ropes!" A shell came out and hit Tobi in the face.

_pOwned!_

"-Or however you say that!" Pein added softly.

Blue's fat daddy came out.

"Okay party people; get ready to give it up for my little girl for her sweet someteen birthday party. And remember, if you're looking low prices on used or broken electronics, don't forget, Green Yellow's Lectro pawn!" Blue's dad, Green-Yellow finished his speech. A weird looking Goblin in a Viking hat butted in.

"P4wned!"

"And here she is, Blue!" Blue came out with a sparkly red dress on, and her hair parted to the right.

"Whoa! Did I _draw_ that new hotness?!"

Remember, COMIC.

"Thanks for coming to my party, everyone! Now let's get it on like Diddy Kong!" She began to dance, when a guy with arrows doming out of his mouth came up.

"ARROW'D TWO! ELECTRIC-wait a minute, not this time, mister!" Pein quickly drew another page with him and 'Blue'. He seriously over-extenuated himself with rippling muscles and a…construction…hat…

"Oh, why hello Blue, you're looking so makey-outey tonight."

"Why thank you Sir Hot-Bod Handsome-Face! So do you!" Pein proceeded to draw them making out. Then, decided to make-out with the piece of paper himself.

"Mmh….Mmhh…Oh, not bad…" He murmured as he made out with the sheet of lined paper. Blue, Tobi, Deidara, and basically the whole Akatsuki looked at him.

"'Dah?" Tobi said.

"Uh…" Blue questioned. Why was he making out with lined paper? Pein looked at them all, and panicked.

"Thisisapieceofuhpizza!" Pein shoved said paper in his mouth.

"Uh…Pein? Were you just first basing it with that piece of loose leaf?" He shook his head. Blue took out the saliva-esque piece of paper.

"Ugh…What the…is that you? And is that me?" He shook his head again. She hit him hard in the FACE.

Ka_-PWN'D!_

"Damn guy…he could've just done that in the first place!" She wiped off her friends, and everyone paused as they waited for the final Angel!Pein scene.

"Come on already!"

Fine, god…

-------------------------

"So, uh…what do you want to do?"

"…play Karaoke Revolution?" God nodded.

"Okay."

And so, we end this little series with God playing Karaoke Revolution, and Blue eventually got rich off of a new flower-hair piece she invented. And, everyone else died.

Of Aids.

And…Syphilis.

-----------------------------

**Ice: Okay, so I finished this a DAY before school started. I am so awesome.**

**While PClaw, is not.**

**-Points and laughs at you-**

**Well, R&R, plz flame for my amusement. **


End file.
